How to Get A Bad Evaluation from Your Students

Short, simple story method: look like an unprepared, unqualified, inexperienced dumb ass.

Long story method in ten easy steps:

1. Think you allowed yourself enough time in the morning to download and print two worksheets on the most crushingly boring subject in English, MLA documentation and citation (there's never enough time to do anything in the morning but shower and eat).

2. Lose the web page that you found last night to download said worksheets (email it to yourself, dummy).

3. Realize that the worksheet does not have anything for in-text citation, which is where most of your students need their help (d'oh!).

4. Rapidly download another worksheet on in-text citations with answers (this ought to work, but see what happens in the next steps).

5. Remove the answers so that your students can actually the worksheet in class as an exercise (again, this sounds fine, but bad things are coming).

6. Arrive late to class for the third time in a row (yes, the copiers are all broken and missing staples and everything had to be stapled by hand, but you don't accept whiny excuses from your students so they sure as hell won't hear any of the same crap from you).

7. Pass out the worksheets, one is for reference, the other a class exercise (ah, finally, I can take a breath and mark attendance...).

8. Notice sounds of papers turning rapidly and puzzled looks of students. Look at your copy of the worksheet and realize that you've deleted a crucial part of the exercises, along with answers. Now the exercise makes no sense without the stuff you deleted. Nervously ask your students if they're missing said part of worksheet knowing the answer already (SHIT! FUCK!!! Steps four and five are biting me hard in the ass).

9. Sheepishly bring up an electronic copy of the worksheet, put it up on the projector, and fill in the answers for the students while they fidget (be thankful you're in a technologically advanced place, dumbass, or this would be a total loss. Oh wait...)

10. Do all of this on the day of student evaluations. Pass out evaluations and pencils to students, give instructions for filling out written documentation of your incompetence, slink back to the office you share with a zillion other people and hope the reviews aren't too brutal. Lose the title of "professional."

So there we are. That's what I accomplished for American education today; a suck-fest with only myself to blame. I'll find out the reviews in a few weeks. Last quarter, I got some nice reviews and some negative reviews, mostly nice ones. I felt I did my work well, considering it was my first quarter of teaching, and the reviews fairly reflected my accomplishments. This quarter, I'm definitely not so sure I'll achieve the same results. I only wish I'd brought my clown suit today so I would at least have been able to put in some pratfalls or hit myself in the face with my briefcase for the class today. Then I might get a more balanced review: "Teacher looks like an unprepared, unqualified, inexperienced dumb ass, but that's what I expect from this clown."