What Grad School Taught Me: Shut Up!

I had a lovely time in grad school earning my Master's in English, the second most useless degree for making a living after my B.A. in theater. I figured I would just read a lot of pretty stories and then talk about them, plus I'd hopefully learn how to actually write something. But there was one major drawback. A lot of the required reading (Lacan, Foucault, Derrida, etc.) and all of the classroom dialogue tried waaaaay too hard to sound intelligent. An English degree, outside of teaching, is essentially useless in almost any business sense. So many academic writers try to offset their lack of useful skill by writing with big words and complex sentences, essentially putting up a language smokescreen that sounds important but ultimately is the same, simple message heard in other arenas. See how long it took me to say, "People talk big to avoid looking small?" I can be as bad as those I rail on. I'm working on curbing my verbosity. Honestly. But I gotta kick my vodka tonic habit first.

Anyway, I was very intimidated when I first went into graduate school because people were speaking English and I couldn't understand a word they said. They also used important metaphors for criticism like "The Gaze" and seeing life through a "[Insert critical theory] Lens" or some such crapola. Granted, it's very, very, very, very, very intelligent. It's cool to think about examining Queer Theory through a Marxist Lens using the Everyman Gaze. It's also mind-numbing. Most of all, it's inefficient thinking. It took me a little while to learn this and I'm still trying to put myself into efficient use of English in spoken and written form.

This is why I like busting the balls of inefficient writing, like the ad for the show replacing ER. First, I love sharing the chuckle-inducing text. Second, I get to be a massive hypocrite. I can indulge myself in the vice I criticize. Unlike the work I do for a living, busting the balls of bad language gives license to scribble. See? I'm already on my twenty-sixth line before getting to my point. My day job is to write ad copy that's quick, easy and attractive. I can't wax on, provide details or be the language blowhard I've been trained to be. My day job is good for me. It helps me learn to shut up more, which is what I should have been learning in grad school. Other stuff I work on (like the Dinosaur Novel/Stage Play for the Factory) needs to be like ad copy: slick and to the point. That work will boil down to the point of studying English or any language: be understood. I'll shut up now.

Baseball! And...SNOW?!

At long last, Baseball Season is here. Chicago winter refuses to let go, however, as we got about an inch point five of slush. Par for the Chicago course, of course. Yes, I've moped several times about our weather. Guilty. Yes, the people in California and other constant climates are laughing, enjoying their warmth. That's fine. Those having a one-dimensional existence in California beg for days like today so they can justify the silly, overpriced place they live. Okay, you got yer day. I'll be laughing for months when the Chicago Spring feels so good and California is still smoggy, superficial, and fake.

So yeah, slush on Opening Day sucks, but it's part of living in Chicago. We got three inches last Saturday and it was gone by Monday. Same thing will happen this week. Good buddy Chas (a fellow Factory Blogger) reminded a lot of folks that we have gotten snow in Chicago much later than this. We deal with it. Hell, it was snowing on April 17, 2005 when I had my best ever seats at Wrigley seven rows up on the first base line. But now that Baseball is here, Spring will inevitably be here too. Meanwhile, there's ways to keep warm. It's all in the layering. Life in Chicago, unlike other places, has layers. Variety is tough, but worth it. Go Baseball and warm weather. Any minute now...

That's the Best you Could Write?

I was in college when ER started. I remember it clearly because I was following Michael Crichton's (RIP) works having loved Jurassic Park. ER was played in the bar all the time at the pizza joint I worked. I watched it some the first year, but never watched after I moved to Chicago unless someone I knew was a guest star, which happened less than five times. So tonight, I'm watching the finale of a show I don't like that much but respect for its longevity. Thinking that a show lasting 15 friggin years would go out with a bang, I figured I'd take a look.

The finale wasn't a bang, but the real thud came from the advertisements for ER's replacement. It's pretty much an automatic death to take the spot of something that's been successful for so long. Anyone remember what replaced M.A.S.H., Happy Days, Cheers, or Friends? Didn't think so. NBC's marketing department poured a little more poison on the show starting the replacement show ad thusly: "As one great drama ends, another takes its place." This forces the replacement show to measure up to its predecessor's success, but the real marketing suicide happened in the dialogue chosen for the ad:

"You're a cop because you don't know how not to be one."

Hwa-ba-da-HUH?

Now I'm guilty of being verbose and nonsensical but come on. What's worse is that someone wrote that for TV, then someone else thought that was a great way to advertise the show, and no one stopped them. Too bad. I know some things in the marketing world can't be stopped and there are plenty of unstoppably bad ideas that somehow get approved. Maybe the show is actually good. Those involved better hope the marketing department just didn't promote the show well, because here's the final kicker: I can't even remember the name of the show that's replacing ER. The crap-ass dialogue was the only thing that made an impression on me. Best of luck.

Spring Choppingly Heads This Way

Baseball Season is almost here. Almost. It's one of the many things I look forward to during the winter, along with the first sun dress and tank top I see; signs of warmth and sun sticking around. I will masochistically be following the Cubs again with high hopes. I do love them despite (or is it because of?) the pain they give. I registered for my place in line for season tickets about a year ago and I have moved up to 81,562. Yes!!!

Spring is my favorite time for it's rejuvenation and reawakening. With a one year-old running around and a sibling due to arrive soon, I need all the reawakening I can get. I hope to be writing more about sun and grass soon. In the mean time, I'm reading the Factory Theater Blog and going to see Mop Top Festival, which I'm proud to have been a part of behind the scenes. The writing for the other blog has slowed, but hopefully Mike and I will pick that up again eventually. No promises since he's also expecting a child, but we'll see.

Now back to my dinosaur novel (in between writing scintillating copy for marketing)...

Tough Winter

Don'tcha think?

Here's some stats (along with scary global warning postulation) on the snowfall.

Here's some more, courtesy of the Brits, on the cold.

Baseball season can't get here soon enough.

Have you checked the other site I'm writing at yet?

Happy End of 2008

Eventful times this year, to say the least. In small, personal ways and also in large, global ones. I'm thankful for the home my family is building, I'm thankful for all my time with my beloved Factory Theater, I'm thankful for the first steps and sounds my son is making, and I'm looking toward 2009 with a nervous excitement. Jack Bauer will be back to help ease Anxiety Mondays. We will have a new administration in the United States; right now, I'm profoundly happy for the change and hopeful that the Obama presidency justifies the immense amount of faith invested in it. There's great uncertainty about financial stability, there's many challenges and worries to face, and many good people were lost this year. But the days are getting longer, the temperatures will eventually start rising, and the calendar begins anew. Happy New Year and let's see what comes next.

Multi-Writing

By the way, I'm writing on another site called Unintentional Porn. Go see. It's all about sexy stuff, but totally safe for work. I'm having a blast working on it, so enjoy!

The Next Great Factory Show: Bustin Out of The Hell!

It's the final show in our 15th Anniversary Season and TONIGHT is the gala benefit! Come and see the show (I'm in this one; my first Factory show in over a year!) and then have lots of liquor and food fixins. The show is a blast and the same high energy, quality comedy, life-lovin romp that the Factory Theater is known for: CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS and come have a raucous romp through the afterlife! The show runs through December 6, so you got lots of time and no excuse. Bless you.

Coming Soon from the Factory...

Opening right between Halloween and my birthday...

The Factory Theater's Bustin Out of the Hell...but first, THE LAUNCH PARTY.

Must be seen in person to be believed. So be there for the Cain Mutiny's fantastic tunes, a preview of the Factory take on the afterlife, and all the usual delicious food and drink from the incomparable Chief O'Neils pub. Bless them all.

Movie Catchup

My Little Miss Sunshine review was the extent of my thoughts on oscar nominated movies of 2007, but I had promised to write a little more on other Best Picture nominees. Of 2007. Okay, I'm catching up a little slow (and I'm totally late for anything M80 was doing), but here goes.

Children of Men: Solid. A very compelling allegory about a world made sterile, literally and figuratively. The violence that permeates 90 minutes of the movie makes the one minute of silence brought by a wailing infant very powerful. People dealing with infertility will have a unique perspective on this movie. Worthy Best Picture nominee, but not the year's best.

Pan's Labyrinth: Visually spectacular, but maybe I saw it too late; the incredible number of glowing reviews I read made me think I was going to see one of the greatest movies of all time. It was definitely good and a worthy nominee but not the years best. I will say that the scene where the white thing chases the little girl down the hallway gave me nightmares.

Little Miss Sunshine was still the best of 2007 for me. In 2008, I fell far behind in my movie watching. Having a child does that; we've seen three movies in the theater since George was born (and about as many rentals) and he turns one next week. He's a pretty good picture in and of himself, though. I'm still trying to piece together what little movie thoughts I've had in 2008. Ratatouille and Juno were both excellent. No Country for Old Men was a welcome reacquaintance with classic Coen movies. Michael Clayton was overblown junk. Was that really all the movies I saw? Jeez. Maybe I can write more stuff for M80 in 2009.

Well, screw it. I saw The Dark Knight and it was fantastic, especially because old friend Mike Vieau had a very notable scene and almost the entire movie was filmed in Chicago. Hopefully there's a third Christopher Nolan Batman movie shot here and more worthy Chicago actors will get exposure.

Stay tuned for upcoming Factory Theater news, which where I happily spend the little free time I have.

A Real Nice, Six Month Long First Step

The Cubs have clinched their division. It is exciting for an excitable Cubs fan like myself. Now to look back on what Uncle Lou has been exhorting most of the year so as to look ahead: it's a long season, don't let individual games stir you up too much, go out to play good fundamental baseball, and field the team that gives you the best chance to win regardless of players' salary, feelings, or any other distraction. The Cubs have busted their asses and busted them well for six months. A wonderful accomplishment to play consistently well for that length of time while constantly dodging and dealing with the Cubbie Curse talk and the whole 100 years thing. Well done and a great season. So far.

The real games begin next week. After this long and arduous season, it's time play for the real prize. Next week, the individual games matter a whole lot. They're the whole purpose behind the season so far. I get the feeling that the culture of Chicago Cubs baseball is changing. That the culture is concerned about winning baseball and less concerned about image. I hope I'm right. It's been a terrific team year; solid defense all around, excellent pitching and no true individual superstar (personally, I'm perfectly happy with six everyday position players hitting between .280 and .303 and three frequently used bench players hitting at the same clip with six players hitting between 19 and 30 home runs only; better the team bat well as a whole rather than rely on a couple of guys). On-base percentage is way up thanks to the Cubs suddenly enjoying the benefits of walks this year. Baserunning boners seem to be much further down. There's an assured feeling to the team, whether its "Cubbie Swagger" that Lou talks about or just playing better, smarter baseball.

All of that has been terrific this whole year. Now it has to continue. Just making it to the playoffs isn't good enough any more. The players believe that and so do the fans. Now the real season is about to begin.

I suggest reading a better-phrased and more professional take on this same subject from one of my favorite blogs.

Go Cubs. Really.

Homage to a Master

"At the Movies" officially closed up shop this past weekend. This show, with Gene Siskel (later Richard Roeper) and Roger Ebert, provided thoughts on movies for 33 years. Over three decades. The show reached its "Jesus Birthday." It had life and love of movies. I'm connected to this show in two ways.

First, I love the movies and occasionally dabble in my own review and criticism of the medium (see sidebar at right). I've won an online contest for one review, but that's the limit of my accolades as a movie critic. Siskel & Ebert were the masters. They became one of the most recognized and legitimate standards of movie measurement for decades. They formed a unique love-hate relationship with the movies and each other (more on this later). Even after Siskel's untimely death, "At the Movies" continued for years with Richard Roeper. For my money, Siskel was better and the main reason the show kept its success was Ebert's ability and fame. Ebert can accept a teen sex comedy and horror movies for what they are and what they do, and he recognizes these types of movies when they do their work well and chastises them when they're only fluff. I don't think Roeper can appreciate a well-done horror movie. It's not high brow enough for him. That's his loss. See for yourself in his interview with Ebert on Chicago Tonight the next time it's replayed.

My second connection to "At the Movies" is from the Factory Theater's production of Siskel & Ebert Save Chicago which Roger Ebert himself came to watch and was kind enough to mention on his own site. I have love and respect for Roger Ebert because of his relationship with movies and his patronage of the Factory Theater. Ebert is a masterful writer and critic. Look no further than the eloquence personified from Ebert's own statement on the ending of his show (many thanks to good buddy Eric Roach from the Factory for sharing this). I felt several heart muscles rip as Ebert comes to the "time to awake from my daydream." That still hurts. I will be eagerly awaiting his next venture and I'm so happy for all he has given to movies.

On Sunday, I read an exceptional article from Christopher Borrelli at the Tribune. In case the Tribune link dies, here are some highlights to illustrate:

"[With the ending of 'At the Movies'] the informed movie review can be placed officially on the endangered species list. On TV, let's just declare it extinct."

"Siskel and Ebert said what they felt, and you never doubted their sincerity or honesty. Even today—especially today—this remains a radical idea. What Siskel and Ebert created is still the closest that television criticism has ever come to former New Yorker writer Pauline Kael's insistence that 'the critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising.'"

"...what chills the blood is that film criticism has been so diminished in recent years that Disney-ABC didn't even attempt to replace reputation with reputation, or continue what Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert started. "

"But I bet for the average everyday moviegoers who rarely think beyond 'I liked it' or "I hated it" and who rarely consider aesthetics or polemics or politics when they go to a multiplex, the end of the original incarnation of "At the Movies" will feel like the finale of film criticism itself. The argument has ended. And the argument, as "At the Movies" taught us, was the thing—that art itself was arguable, and that was OK."

"Indeed, it wouldn't be an overstatement to say that for a generation or two of moviegoers, it was Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert who introduced the idea that good criticism is not about finality or consensus or putting your thumb up or down. It's about argument itself."

I'm in total agreement with Mr. Borrelli and I only want to add one thing. In addition to the arguments they generate, what makes movies and "At the Movies" so valuable are the relationships to the movie material and the people who are with you, whether you're discussing the movie together or watching it. Siskel and Ebert formed close relationships to their movies and a closer relationship with each other. These relationships were rocky (sometimes ugly), they were happy, and they were honest. A family of and about the movies plus all the sometimes awful, sometimes great dynamics that go with family. A family for 33 years, complete with arguments. It was good and it shall be missed.

My First Business Trip in Years (or, is Denver better than Oakbrook?)

Just returned from a business trip to Denver yesterday. The final proof of my company's catalog is now set to print. The people at the company were terrific and they treated my boss and me to a nice dinner. Not a bad trip. I hadn't traveled for business since the '90s. Another cruel reminder of aging. Still, it was good to go back to Denver since I used to go there all the time while growing up in New Mexico. I hadn't been to Denver since the '80s; Cruel Aging Reminder #2. The mountains are still nice, but for the most part, Denver looks like Oakbrook, Illinois. A lot of strip malls and skinny, square business buildings. Not exactly attractive, but a mountain backdrop adds plenty: nice scenery to break up the strip mall setting and snow in August if you're above 10,000 feet. If all goes well, this will be an annual trip for work as we update our big catalog (meaning 1,500+ pages big) every year. I love seeing the mountains again, the company and its people are great, and I can deal with an Oakbrook style strip mall setting as long as I get one pint of Fat Tire to get me loopy for the whole evening. One drink at elevation 6,000 feet is plenty for someone my age (C.A.R. #3) but it's another way to beat Oakbrook; I'd need at least three beers there. Efficiency, scenery, and company; that's how Denver beats Oakbrook.

Just Because I Like Sheet Music...

...and I miss singing in choir.

I Might Not Have Looked Close Enough

Recently, I wrote a loving homage to Charlton Heston. In this writing, I opined that Charlton Heston was an expert at cheesy lines in movies and that I found his political stances strange given his body of work in film. I still stand by my view of his acting style in many movies: way over the top to the point of silliness sometimes. Still, he did the cheese so well and he was a powerful film personality with an impressive body of work. My second rumination was that I found it "strange that a guy who played so many roles portraying a struggle against an oppressive state would become such a staunch conservative after what conservatism has come to stand for politically in the past decade."

Clarification #1: I don't believe conservatism is an inherently bad thing; conservative (or liberal) governments that make a practice of removing rights granted to the populace make for an oppressive state. Movies like Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green, Touch of Evil, and even The Ten Commandments are some examples of the indomitable Mr. Heston fighting for the common folk against overdominating authority. Many of Heston's characters have this dynamic.

I was talking about Heston with a coworker and he bluntly told me I didn't know Heston well enough. This coworker was a little younger I am now when Heston was doing his major work in the late fifties through the sixties. To him, Heston is not equated with conservatism except indirectly through his staunch advocacy of the NRA. My coworker also said that Heston was defending an inalienable right from being taken away by the state. While I am not a fan of the availability of guns, it is true that this right was granted to the people for the purposes of defense from an oppressive government or exterior state. While I believe that this amendment to the constitution needs a reexamination for today's context, it is nonetheless one of the rights granted to the people whether I like it or not. Viewed this way, Mr. Heston's NRA stance actually stands with many of the characters he played; that of a man fighting to protect inalienable rights.

My coworker said that the media had misrepresented Charlton Heston toward the end of his life. I think my coworker may be right and I think I may have mischaracterized Mr. Heston's political stances. Upon further reflection, his connection between the people he played and how he acted in real life doesn't seem so strange after all.

The Factory Scores! And Adds More!

Ren Faire! A Fistful of Ducats is both a Metromix pick and Highly Recommended by the Chicago Reader. Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, along comes the next great Factory show, Shamless Shamuses!

The Factory is working third shift to bring more fantastic theater to the people. Follow the doings of Duck, Dodge & Hyde who have to solve the craziest case of their collective detective careers! Take the Three Stooges, drop in the Marx Brothers, unload the Ritz Brothers, introduce the Waldowsky Sisters and top off with mystery, mayhem, music, and plenty of fine jokes. Bring a brace for the shaking of your ribs.



I'm so proud and happy to be a part of this fantastic place.

Click here for tickets or go to www.thefactorytheater.com for more info.

Scandal Response Seminar

Here's two ways of handling a scandalized reaction from the public. One is the right way, one is wrong.

Case A: You do a topless photo shoot where you don't even show your boobs but couldn't anyway since your fifteen and within said photo shoot are also somewhat creepy pictures with your Dad. Public is scandalized that you showed the world your bare back at the photo shoot curiously booked with a photographer known for creating controversial portraits, often of a sexualized nature. You work for one of the largest, supposedly "family friendly" corporations in the world and your purity image takes a hit; even without the half naked MySpace self-protraits revealing a great deal more skin that subsequently appear with less public outrage, you've got PR trouble. What do you do?

Response: it's the wrong one, but it's only one you can do. When you're a household name who stands to lose millions of dollars from the company with its own questionable ethics that employs you, your path is clear. You pretend that you were victimized, had some sort of total loss of reason for days, or were just so terribly hurt by this thing all along. I'm scandalized that I'm actually posting a link to Omg! News (especially since there's the incredibly appropriate link to other topless celebrity examples on the page), but it's such the perfect example of the wrong response. It hurts your credibility and the integrity of people who are supposed to be watching out for you as a teenager. Plus, it lets the moral hypocrisy of the righteous-outragists continue. Gotta admit though, I'd probably be bowing and scraping too if I was about to lose all those bags of money.

Case B: You've unleashed a rant at a live concert against a fan who threw something you. Said rant includes telling the fan that you'd butt fuck him if he threw anymore shit at you, calling the fan a faggot and pussy multiple times as well as a "dickless fucking turd."

Response: it's the more difficult and dangerous choice to make, but it's right one because of the respect you earn, if only for yourself. You tell the scandalized people to eloquently go fuck themselves. You address the fact that your remarks might be considered homophobic and turn the moral outrage back around to the accusers. A much more perilous path to walk, but if done correctly, could deflate anything brewing from the self-righteous. I especially appreciate the "PC lingo" sign-off. A little humor never hurts.

Ren Faire: The Next Great Factory Show

The Factory Theater presents:


Think of a turf war between Renaissance Fair denizens and Old West stunt people in a West Side Story style, only funnier and with better song and dance. Verily, 'twill be some good fun, pardner.

Click here for tickets or go to www.thefactorytheater.com for more info. Now that the Factory website has been updated in a thoroughly modern style, you can see my mug there too, if you so desire. But you better be buying a ticket first or getting a drink from me as your bartender for this Saturday's gala performance. Cheers!

Another One Gone Too Soon

Sigh. RIP to an icon.





He will be greatly missed by many. He will not be missed by the uptight who think he was only about being foul & filthy (too bad for them). But Carlin's value to humor, social criticism, and skewering the American obsession with perceived naughty speech cannot be understated. Carlin lived by free speech even when it got him into trouble and he did it funny. I thank him and I'll miss him.

'Nite, Night.

It's been a really long time since I wrote anything movie related. A really, really long time. Damn. Movies are one of the great joys of my life, but home-buying and child-bearing (especially when done simultaneously) erase a lot of time that could be spent with movies. So here's some thoughts on something that also hasn't been around in a long time: a good movie by M. Night Shyamalan.

I have not seen The Happening and I'm not sure I will. The initial savage reviews are akin to the early bloodletting that The Lady in The Water received (I didn't see that movie either). With both movies, I was intrigued by some well-done previews and I don't think Shyamalan has ever lost his knack for creating some interesting premises. Sadly, based on reviews, it'll be three bads in a row for M. Night.

I can't speak for the success or failure of The Happening, but it is puzzling that such an incredibly successful and imaginative filmmaker could go from spectrum to opposite spectrum with his work. Maybe he doesn't give a damn what people think, maybe he's still convinced his movies are brilliant, maybe he just works for a paycheck like the rest of us; who knows?

The Sixth Sense is still a fantastic movie. The splashy twist at the end (does anyone not know by this point that Bruce Willis is a ghost?) created most of the buzz and played a large part in establishing Shyamalan's moviemaker identity, but the twist is not what makes The Sixth Sense so good. Toni Collette is a major reason why the movie succeeds so well. She terrifically plays her role of tortured mother struggling to care for her inexplicably and literally haunted son. Collette injects so much honest, raw emotion that she grounds the conflicts of the spiritual world into her own hard reality, making the movie's ghost story a real-life struggle. Shyamalan also did his best writing with The Sixth Sense. He's very good at creating an emotional investment in his characters and his movies. He's always been able to grab interest, and with The Sixth Sense, he made a valuable story of grieving people and family struggle to go along with a winning premise and the jaw dropper at the end.

Here's where it went wrong. Shyamalan wagered his success on making everyone's jaws drop lower. He figured that the basis for his success was fabricating the most amazing twist and basing his movies around the bait-and-switch. With the notable exception of Signs, Shyamalan's movies live and die by their twists. Signs didn't really have a "holy shit!" moment at the end, which is probably why Signs is Shyamalan's only other really good movie: Night got away from trying to bend his movies around their twists and simply wrote a good story about ordinary people struggling under extraordinary circumstances. The "holy shit!" moments kept coming in his other movies, but they weren't always a pleasant surprise.

The Village pissed me off. The first half of that movie is really good. Shyamalan created a fantastic medieval world with scary monsters running around an engaging love story between Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Howard (I refuse to validate that stupid three name thing popular among some actors unless you've earned those props through such kickass work as being Buffy The Vampire Slayer: S.M. Gellar [heh heh], you're worthy.) The twist of The Village is so ludicrous that it's insulting. Shyamalan devalued his entire movie with that stupid twist. It's a pity that the movie was based around trying to pull off the most amazing switcheroo. Problem is, people's jaws only drop so far, and if your only goal is to dislocate mandibles through surprise, you're going to miss more often than not.

The Happening may suffer because of that same instinct. If so, it's really a shame. M. N. Shyamalan is really a good writer and talented filmmaker. Maybe it would have been better had he not had such dizzying success with The Sixth Sense as his first movie. He might have had too many people telling him he's brilliant and how oh-so-amazed they were at the end of that movie. That might have made him forget why he was able to make a good movie through his characters' struggles. The twists aren't what made him a successful filmmaker. They certainly helped and my jaw was on the floor with everybody else's at the reveal of Bruce Willis' actual condition, but the movie was already good. I hope that Night puts his twisties to bed and wakes his basic storymaking skills back up; it's a question of whether that twisting instinct wants to go down or not.