My latest assignment to address bill paying involves looking at bright, fresh print ads for a major media conglomerate. I'm doing the same thing as I do in English class; look for grammar and spelling errors in composition as well as non-sensical layout. When I started this assignment, there was talk of some copywriting as well as working with new desktop publishing software. Thus far, it's been all error checking and layout repair with one notable exception.
This mega-powerful conglomerate is taking a page straight out of "The Dundies" episode of The Office by creating a ceremony with an Academy Awards theme. This ceremony presents awards to employees who promote diversity in the workplace. Rewarding employees by giving them a ceremony like they're movie stars is a nice, if derivative idea that should please many people. It's enjoyable to watch the creation of the show's program because I get to see some multimedia software at work (a part of modern technology I'm slowly catching up to) and I get to watch the assembly of the corporate award show veneer. The online and print program has appropriate glitz and glam to it and I was allowed to make one contribution beyond correcting horrendous spelling and inarticulate prose. The copywriter needed a small bit for the program and she asked me for my thoughts.
"I need a quote here and I'm not sure what to do," the copywriter said with a nervous fidget (the proof was due in an hour and printing a 50+ page Mac document with picture files takes at least an hour).
We needed this quote for space filler between two different sections of the awards. Other quotes sprinkled in the program involved standard congratulatory corporate rhetoric such as, "This team rolled up its sleeves," "His work pushed this account over the top," "She catapulted the project," etc. Since the filler space transitions between the individual awards and the group awards, I immediately thought of the needs of the many outweighing the needs of few, and tried to find a comparable catchphrase. With that in mind, I said, "We should have something really deep and cheesy and silly like..."
Pause. Then I finished my thought.
"The power of one adds to the powers of many."
The copywriter gasped with a smile on her face. "They'll eat that right UP!" she said and quickly filled the program space with my cheese; very likely the worst phrase I've ever composed, yet a phrase that seemed to fit so well.
My next thought pictured my phrase on the bottom of a huge wall poster showing a sweeping overhead shot of a tiny human rock climber, little fists raised in triumph, perched atop the highest mountaintop in a glorious range of forests and high granite peaks. Miserable corporate workers look at this poster, read my phrase, and curse me unknowingly for making their working lives worse by shoving treacle triteness in their faces, reminding them to be happy in their daily drudgery. The point of these imaginings, of course, is that I've copywritten, packaged, and sold my cheese trite phrase for a ton of cash and am busy spending as much of it as I can.
However, I am like the people I've made to suffer in my imaginings: I'm the corporate worker who looks for breaks and reveries to occupy my thoughts during the necessary drudgery of corporate business. Still, for one split second, I can feel like I've contributed to something larger. It's likely that hundreds, if not thousands, of people will be reading this phrase during the awards show (I'm working with one of the BIG conglomerates) so my phrase, this tiny and horrible part of my writing, will have the largest audience ever given to one of my compositions.
So, all you diversity award winners and audience members, I apologize for dropping this awful clause in your lap. However, I'm glad that so many people will read one of my sentences.
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3 comments:
You rule.
I'm only glad this isn't my corporate overlord.
At some point in life I'll have to relate our latest corporate motto and how I completely threw said corporate motto under the bus during the marketing presentation today to 70 potential new clients.
You rule. "Army of One" has nothing on you!
I hate doing a follow-up to my own stinking post, but "corporate cheese" sayings are one of my favorite thing about being a cube slave.
Example 1: My employer has a financial "plan" that ends on the normal corporate fiscal year - September 30. Every year in October all the wage slaves are treated to a mindless presentation describing our financial performance the previous year. October, 2001 (which, in case you're not paying attention, was shortly after September 11, 2001) followed a fine year: we made our financial plan. And to celebrate, a poster was erected in the lobby with flags and stars and the Statue of Liberty, and in bold font "United we Made Plan!"
Example 2: Shortly after the same employer was acquired in a massive stock transaction, all the wage slaves were assembled in the giant room reserved for these things and the lights dimmed. Start video. Start music. Video shows all the great things the new boss company has accomplished. The music? A lyric-less version of The Verves' "Bittersweet Symphony". Sample lyric:
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money, then you die.
Example 3: Late one July, it was discovered the financial billings were not on track to make the financial plan. Instead of a serious analysis (or worse, perhaps because of a serious analysis) of billings, was to hand out t-shirts with the company logo and the slogan: "Turn up the heat, we've got a plan to beat."
And Example 4 will be published May 2, 2008.
Wow. Excellent examples, and I'm totally using "cube slave" as much as possible. What a bass-ackwards working world we can have. It continually amazes me that obvious irony slips by the corporate organizers unnoticed in events designed to pump up the staff. Either that, or said organizers willingly ignore the obvious.
Just to add the already thick irony of example 2 (choice lyrics example, by the way): The Verve got sued for a certain music sampling they used in "Bittersweet Symphony" and don't see a dime from that immensely popular song frequently used in derivative events like example 2. Find some money, then you die.
I hope to God your company wasn't forced to wear those hideous t-shirts during work hours. I can't wait to hear the outcome of example 4. It's likely to be heavily cheesed with irony.
Any and all follow-ups are welcome.
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